guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
