Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
