hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
