I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
