wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
