My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
