Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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