I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
you guys were way drunker than both of me
my being single is dangerous.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I have tasted many bathrooms
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
