This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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