I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
