I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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