I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
