I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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