i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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