Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
