At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
