cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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