May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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