Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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