Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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