Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
