I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
