I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
