mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
You need a sexual gate keeper
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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