____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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