Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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