Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
