I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
