good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
