That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
