Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
the condom got lost in my hair
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
