and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
