just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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