Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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