My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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