I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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