Welp...herpes.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
