It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm like, not good at living.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
