I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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