Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
