Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
