I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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