I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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