There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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