You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
