So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
