My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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