non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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