dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
