you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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