my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
