peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
